As of today, Soren is weaned. I'm having mixed feelings. It is strange to be done with something I have spent hundreds of hours doing over the last fourteen months. I never understood why someone would want to nurse for a really long time, but now that I'm done I totally get it. I had a rough start with nursing. Nursing is hard at first; don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I understand why many mothers don't last very long. I made it through the first couple of frustrating weeks and was finally starting to feel good about it, when I got a really bad infection which took four rounds of antibiotics to clear up. It was so painful and I dreaded nursing. Soon after that was over, Soren got thrush which was just as painful as mastitis and we were both so miserable. So two months into it I was ready to quit. But I stuck it out and am so glad that I did. I loved having something so special and intimate that he and I shared. There's not much sweeter than a newborn in a milk coma.
Once Soren got a little older nursing became the only quiet, peaceful time we had together. It is going to be weird not having a few minutes everyday to spend with him in a dark and quiet room looking down at his cute little face smiling up at me. I truly am going to miss those sweet little moments. I planned to nurse until he was one, but when his birthday rolled around, I wasn't quite ready to give it up and could tell that he wasn't either. Over the last couple of months my supply has gradually diminished until it just stopped. It has seemed very natural and clearly my body is done but there's not much that is more heartbreaking than the first time Soren looked up at me all confused and signed and said "milk?" when there just wasn't much coming out. He seems to be doing okay with it. He still wants to nurse first thing in the morning. He seems to miss that comfort right when he wakes up, but he can be distracted so that he forgets and gets on with his day just fine.
I on the other hand, am going to miss it. Much more than I ever thought I would. He's no longer a baby, which is wonderful. He's fun and talkative and curious and makes us laugh so much. I am so far away from wanting another baby because I just love my life with my little buddy and am not ready to change that quite yet. But I'm going to miss that special bond that only I could give. I am going to miss smelling his sweet breath after he nurses. I am going to miss that he needs me and only me. I am going to miss feeling like my body is sustaining the life of someone that I love so deeply, that I am providing something to him that no one else can. My body has been nourishing his for almost two years but I guess it is finally time to cut the cord.